Have a good Christmas, Don.
I'll think about what you said.
Pen.
You want to keep the umbrella?
No.
Message in your mailbox.
Donny, I know it's a long drive,
but we've never been apart for the holidays.
And I can't bear the thought of Christmas without you.
Please call me and tell me you got this.
Message deleted.
90 minutes till Christmas, friend.
Maybe this'll get me in the mood.
Jordan?
Merry Christmas, dude.
You look good.
I got some beer.
Do you?
I read on the Internet
there's something in turkey interferes with the patch.
- You started smoking? - No, I stopped chewing.
Remember my little stunt the last day on the line?
- Yeah. - Well, couple months later,
they're having this big outdoor youth rally in Australia...
or Austria, something... for the Pope,
Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians.
They're passing out, like, 100,000 of them porta-cups for Mass.
Hey, guess what's in one of 'em.
No way.
Some nun got sick drinking the Skoal-tainted blood of Christ.
No!
'Course it gets traced back to the shop.
Boss is pissed.
He was ready to swab everyone's cheek, get their DNA.
That's when I fessed up.
They fired you?
Hell, yeah, they fired me.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
Next Sunday, I go to Mass for the first time since I was a kid.
I figure I owe the Pope one, you know.
Well, don't laugh,
but when I go up for Communion,
it's like Jesus is whispering to me from inside the cup.
Really?
I swear to God, I can hear him
telling me the same thing my mama used to say.
"Don't shit where you eat."
Anyway, I find out that the nun, the one who got sick,
live up in Canada running a home for retards.
Except you ain't supposed to call 'em that.
Don't laugh! But I felt like God
wanted me to even things up, you know.
So I call her up,
and after talking to her on the phone for 10 minutes,
she said I need to be there.
So I'm off to Canada to help the retards.
Come on. You're into this stuff, right?
Merry Christmas, dude.
What?
What do you say we don't go to midnight Mass somewhere,
give old baby Jesus a holler?
I'm not really dressed.
Come on, man. Ain't like your church.
Not even the priest wears a tie.
Nah, I'm not really interested.
'Cause it ain't Baptist?
You all right, big guy?
So when do you start up in Canada?
Not until February. I saved up a little money.
I was thinking maybe I'd kick it around here a while,
assuming you got a spare floor.
Uh, bro, my, um...
You know, I'd totally let you crash,
but my roommate's coming back early.
Ah, that's cool.
I was thinking that maybe I'd head up there early.
They got these cabins where the volunteers go
for these three-day silent retreats.
Heh. I can't shut the hell up for five minutes.
I figure I might need a few practice runs.
You still got my cell number, right?
'Cause I tried calling you a few times.
School has been, like, really crazy.
Yeah.
Well...
I guess I'm gonna go wish Jesus a happy birthday.
Peace.
See ya.
It was good seeing you, man.
Yeah. Hey, thanks for coming, Jordan.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Here it is again! Bullshit bookmobile!
Welcome back, Reedies.
It's that time of year again to donate
those Christmas presents you are never gonna read!
Come on. You know your parents only gave 'em to you
because they are easy to wrap!
Give 'em the demise they so richly deserve!
Put 'em out of their misery!
Give me your tired, your poorly written,
your huddled mass media yearning to be trees!
Miller, you look lost.
- Me? - Yeah.
Ah, it's just a beer buzz.
How was Christmas break?
I don't do Christmas.
What you got going later?
Sleeping off a holiday hangover.
I have a little project that might require your...
special talents. What do you think?
What?
Trust me. It's big,
very big.
Texas big!
What the hell?
Lauryn?
She's straight.
What?
Quinn is straight.
She doesn't even experiment.
I know I told myself I'd give it six months,
just to see if she showed any sign.
And then I... I caught her reading
an Anais Nin book in the campus bookstore.
I just assumed.
Wouldn't you assume?
Told you her ass wasn't big enough.
Stop, Don. I'm serious.
I mean, I love her.
Can I stay here tonight?
Will you put out?
No.
Then leave immediately.
Come on. Think back to when you were bi-curious.
Think back to when you were nice.
I just don't understand what girls see in you guys.
So you can move heavy objects?
Big deal.
Are there that many heavy objects that need moving?
I heard the penis plays a role in procreation.
Genitals are overrated.
So is Anais Nin.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Lauryn.
Oh, man, it just sucks.
Yeah.
- Are you ready? - What?
- Oh, come on. - Not you, too.
Junior college transfers.
What are you doing?
I'm purging the campus of false dogma,
but I didn't think for a second that you were gonna need my help.
Do you know the Stone Age tribes of New Guinea do not have cellphones
because they never grew wheat? Did you know that?
I didn't get that far.
Now you know.
Hey, those cost money.
I'm The Pope, man.
I speak for God.
God wants you to burn books?
God doesn't exist, and here is the proof.
Would a loving God possibly allow this to exist?
I think not.
That was a graduation gift.
Who made you Pope, anyway?
Last year's Pope at Renn Fayre.
You don't know about any of this?
Big weekend bash after exams at the end of the school year.
Sex, drugs, naked elves.
The firstjob of the new Pope
is to take confessions during Renn Fayre, so...
go to a little booth,
and all the students line up to confess their sins.
They confess to you?
All night long.
At first, I thought,
"This is gonna be awesome.
"I mean, I'm gonna hear about
every kinky sex act from here to Seattle,"
and I got a lot of that, but then...
this one sad bastard, he starts telling me
how when he was a kid,
this priest at his church used to take him into his office,
you know, and...
right there under the crucifix,
Father Feel-you-up would just...
go at him.
It was heavy.
So I start thinking, right?
I should be doing something to help these people.
I mean, I got the robe. I got the hat. I'm The Pope.
I should be using my powers for good.
So then I get the idea.
I start getting people to tell me right there in the confession booth,
"How has God screwed you up?"
And maybe it's the PCP talking, but...
I find out how afraid people are of a God who doesn't even exist.
Oh, don't touch those albums. Hey. Come on.
You know, tomorrow millions of people
are gonna start filing into churches
and praying that their loving God
is not gonna burn them in Hell forever.
And you think burning books is gonna help?
It's not like I'm torching anything useful.
Every steeple hides a sleeper cell.
They smile, They shake your hand,
and then you're drinking the Kool-Aid.
They want to rule us, Donny boy.
They're like Taliban in training,
and we've gotta stop 'em, you know, combine all our resources.
Street theater. Civil unrest. You know what I mean?
I don't want to scare you,
but there's a lesbian in your bed.
Oh, man, I need a beer.
Get your shoes on, Miller.
I've got something planned
that's gonna make your little billboard escapade.
Look like frat boys TPing the dean's house.
You want civil unrest at 4 A.M.?
You're okay with heights, right?
What is it, Daddy?
It's a, uh, balloon,
a happy balloon.
"Don't let
"these people...
re-prod-uce."
Very good, Sophie.
Hey.
When'd you get back from India?
- Was it you? - Huh?
The condom and the steeple.
Are you wearing a wire?
Answer the question.
So you saw it.
I go to church there, Don.
You what?
You heard me.
Well, it's not like we did any permanent damage.
I had a six-year-old ask me why the cross was wearing a baggie.
It's supposed to symbolize...
A condom on the steeple?
It was just a...
"Don't let these people reproduce"?
It was just a joke.
What do you know about those people?
Whatever, you know?
People can do what they want,
believe what they want.
It was just a joke.
I'm sorry, all right?
I had no idea you even went to church.
You really believe all that stuff, huh?
Don't patronize me.
I don't mean to.
It just seems a little primitive to still be a...
A Christian?
Well, yeah.
I wasn't born that way, Don.
I read the Bible in Lit class last year,
and it turns out I like Jesus.
A lot.
Does anybody know?
Are you gonna turn me in?
You know what? I'm leaving.
H-Hey, Penny.
How was India?
It was life-changing.
Did you take pictures?
Yeah. I'm doing a slide show on Sunday night.
I'll come.
Do you forgive me for the steeple thing?
It's not about me, Don.
You don't even really know what you did,
because you don't know the people that you hurt.
Well, maybe I can meet these people.
I'm not asking you to do that.
No. It's my idea.
I want to.
Okay.10:30, next Sunday.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Don. Is this a good time?
Not good.
On my way to church,
believe it or not.
Don, I have some hard news...
Hold on.
Am I on speakerphone, Don?
- You there? - Am I... Am I on speakerphone?
It's fine, Mom. Nobody's around.
Don, can you take me off the speakerphone, please?
Fine. Okay, I'll take it off speakerphone.
What's wrong?
Don, I have some hard news.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant, and the baby is Kenny's.
Oh, God.
It was a mistake.
- What? - I made a mistake.
- Hypocrite! - We made a mistake.
Bitch!
I'm gonna let you talk to Kenny.
Hey, bro.
Put her back on.
Listen, I know exactly how you feel.
No, Kenny, you don't know how I'm feeling.
You know why? Because you're an asshole!
You're a puppeteering asshole freak!
Well, see that school has improved your language.
We can learn much about the spiritual life
from a term used in sound recording,
called the "noise floor."
The noise floor is the amount of noise
already present in an environment...
that, uh, has to be overcome before anything else can be heard.
Now, this concept is particularly important...
...when it comes to the life of the spirit.
We need to find a refuge from the often-deafening
noise floor of life...
to hear the still, small voice of God.
Young man, may I help you?
Yeah. Got some things to return.
All right. Okay, you ready? Overhand again.
Okay, bring it back overhand.
Hello.
Miller! Miller.
Hey, park this piece of crap. It's about to start.
I can't find a space.
Ah, it's after 6:00. I give you my blessing to park here.
Yeah, right. Nice.
Take the Bible. Please.
It's not that the book is contradictory.
It's not a book at all.
It's a collection of writings
compiled over the course of nine centuries
that, when taken together,
present such a hopelessly muddled worldview
that it's easy to see why so many of its followers
for so much of our history
have killed one another over its meanings.
Many refugee families have become subsistence farmers
who live in abandoned and often condemned houses and shacks
and survive year to year by planting whatever crops they can.
Mr. Larkin has set up the scientific method
as his biblical canon,
yet with that method,
he still can't prove that a sunset is more beautiful than...
I don't know, camel dung.
Or that music is more sensible than noise.
By his own reasoning,
he is delusional to even tell his wife and children he loves them.
There's nothing delusional about the chemical reaction we call love.
It forces the species to bond together
and preserve the social structure, nothing more.
The theist has a sound explanation
as to why humans need more than to just survive.
We long for love and justice,
beauty, transcendence,
because they echo the voice calling us to know their origin.
Okay, let's take another question.
Uh, Mr. Larkin, I'm just curious...
Actually, the gentleman right next to the hat, please.
Um, Mr. Larkin,
in your book, you admit to a sense of awe and reverence
when you encounter the beauty of nature
and the intricacies of the universe.
Has that ever led you to consider that there might be a God?
No.
Hell, no.
So then where do we find meaning?
Meaning?
The universe doesn't owe us meaning, son.
If you want meaning,
I suggest you try a dictionary.
Yeah. Thanks.
And on the last day,
when I went to say goodbye to the family,
they were already waiting for me.
Little Reena came up to me with a giant smile on her face
and handed me an egg that their chicken had laid.
I knew it was all they had.
So when you think of Kashmir...
that's the face I'd like you to remember.
Um, are there any questions?
Lauryn.
The amount of misery and suffering in that part of the world
seems so overwhelming.
I just... I don't know how you deal with it.
Is that a question, Lauryn?
I mean, I don't mean to get personal,
but I know you have these religious beliefs,
and...
don't you ever wonder why God doesn't just do something?
Look, I don't mean to go all Mother Teresa on you,
but she believed that the spiritual poverty of the West
was far more oppressive
than any physical poverty she saw in India.
All I know is that when I was there,
away from all the noise and distraction,
I never felt so close to God.
I can't explain it.
I just want to go back.
Thank you.
Don?
Are you there?
Don.
Where were you tonight?
What are you doing with my phone?
Um, I fixed it with my hair dryer.
You shouldn't hang up on your mom.
You didn't talk to her, did you?
We chatted... briefly.
She needs you, Don.
Stay away from me, Penny.
Don!
Don, wait!
Don, she made a mistake.
No, dialing the wrong number is a mistake.
Having a baby with a married man, that's being a slut.
You're talking about your mother.
Yeah, I think I know her a little better than you do.
What else did she tell you?
Not that much.
Were you really assistant to your youth pastor?
Get the hell away from me.
Why are you trying to hide who you are?
'Cause I'm done with those freaks.
What, like me?
- You wouldn't understand. - Why not?
Because your mom isn't having sex with a youth pastor.
No, my mom is just roaming the streets of God knows where
having sex with JFK.
- At least she's got an excuse. - And what's my excuse?
I stopped visiting her when I was in high school
because I was too ashamed.
Now I have no idea where she is.
I didn't know.
Yeah, there's a lot you don't know about everybody.
People are human. People are flawed.
We all have our crap.
I abandoned my mom.
Talk to her.
I want to be alone.
I'm taking this.
Don't look at the flame.
If you start pushing people away,
eventually they just leave you alone...
with your thoughts,
with your demons,
with the sound of your own breathing.
But if you're going to have an existential crisis,
Portland in winter is hard to beat.
The city is a shadow.
The clouds are a blanket pulled over your head.
School year seems like it's never going to end.
And it's easy to avoid the people you're trying to avoid.
By the end of finals,
you're so burned out on the pursuit of knowledge
that any sign of life,
even if it's artificial,
seems worth pursuing.
Hey, hey, hey. What's up?
We're almost there. Lauryn!
I found her barking up a tree. I think she's dehydrated.
Let's get her to a cot.
Hey, Miller! Little help?
- Hey. - Hey.
Thank you for returning my e-mails.
Sorry. School has been crazy.
Yeah, you promised me last month you'd help me with this.
I don't do well around blood.
Or that.
Miller.
Leaded or unleaded?
Time will tell.
So... your first Renn Fayre.
What do you think?
Snacks are good.
You have no idea.
You gonna miss being The Pope?
You know, it's weird.
Certain people see the hat coming, and it's almost like...
It's almost like it gives them hope.
Go with dog, my son.
If God's dead, what's the point?
'Cause people need this shit, and they always will.
The people with steel balls are the ones who never cry out to God.
I mean, they've looked into the abyss, and they know, man.
There is no one coming to the rescue.
How do you know that?
I know what I know, Miller.
That kid, the one in the booth last year,
who got abused by the priest...
What about him?
Nothing.
To the great nothing.
What's this?
It goes with the brownies.
Let's do some damage.
Yeah!
The air is heavy with anticipation
as the silent crowd awaits the decision.
The Pope has made his selection.
Prepare for the crowning of the new Pope!
Candidates, present yourselves!
Huzzah! Huzzah.
Ah, this is gonna get nasty.
The Pope considers the Russian.
And the Russian has been passed over!
Who shall it be?
The young foppish prince?
It is not to be, my friends!
Will the ginger lady ragdoll be our new Pope?
She is not. The rabbit stands alone.
Prepare for the crowning of our new Pope!
No! The rabbit has been rejected.
This is unprecedented! Who now?!
Who now amongst us shall be The Pope?
The Pope considers the Texan.
What madness is this?
It's just a hunch, Miller.
The Pope will now remove his miter.
Hold your applause.
His Eminence can be fickle.
The Pope has been chosen!
Citizens of the Reed, we have a new Pope!
Yeah!
Let the christening of the pagans commence!
Prepare yourself...
to kiss The Virgin.
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
Faithful subjects of Reed,
greet your new Pope!
The Pope is down!
We have a down Pope!
Oh, God.
Climax.
Oh, God help me.
The final C in SCCR.
Hello!
Hello?
Somebody!
I'm trapped in... in this thing!
Hello! Help me!
Hello?
Hello. Hello. Get me out of here!
Uh, hold on.
Hey, n-no. I'm trapped in here!
Please get me out of here!
Please! Please get me out!
I... I think I'm gonna have to roll this.
Okay. Okay, I don't care. I don't care. Go.
All right, you ready?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do it.
Try again. Try...
You okay?
It's okay. Just take my hand.
My daddy has a dress like that.
Don't forget your miter.
Very good, Sophie.
When dawn breaks in Echo Park
near downtown Los Angeles, the locals begin to...
Breaking news report.
The government is calling it the deadliest earthquake in India's history,
and the devastation took the greatest toll on Kashmir,
with local officials confirming at least 16,000 dead,
a number they fear may double,
as area refugee camps face a shortage of food, water and medical supplies.
Penny.
Penny?
She left.
Gone to India.
When?
Last night after the news about the earthquake broke.
Dude, she was trying to find you.
Um, I'm doing laundry,
so you want to...
Yeah.
I'll use the delicate cycle.
Thanks.
Don't look.
- Don't flatter yourself. - Shut up.
No peeking.
Are those owls?
Penguins.
Told you not to look.
Sorry.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something...
before you can love it yourself.
Penny loves Jesus.
My dad loves jazz.
He told me jazz is like life,
because it doesn't resolve.
And he gave me his record collection to prove it.
But I've been listening to those records over and over,
and every time I put on Coltrane's A Love Supreme,
I could swear I hear something my father says isn't there.
I hear a resolution.
Resolution,
the final element in story.
I know not everybody hears the universe this way,
but what if Penny's right?
What if God is trying to compose something?
What if all these stars are notes on a page of music,
swirling in the blue like jazz?
Hey, Mom.
Don, is that you?
I'm glad you called, Mom. How are you?
Some of you have come a long way to get here,
and I'm talking about a geography of the heart.
But what you're looking for is bigger than any church,
so this is the time in the service
when we get out of the way
so that you can speak to God directly...
and hopefully hear God speak to you.
Thought you were in Kashmir.
I got as far as Los Angeles,
and the embassy stopped issuing visas.
Did you ever call your mom?
She said to give you a hug.
Amen.
The peace of the Lord be always with you.
And also with you.
Right this way, Your Eminence.
Well, you look reasonably sober.
Yeah, you know.
Try it on.
Sweet.
All right, sit down.
And according to tradition,
I am to be your first confession,
so let's see.
Oh, I stole a condom out of The Virgin's wallet.
Last night while he was passed out.
I figured he wasn't really gonna be using it, so...
This is the part where I say you're forgiven?
Uh-huh. Are you sure you're up for this?
It's hard shoes to fill.
You were a well-loved Pope.
Ah. Kiss-ass.
Well, I'm going to leave you to your flock.
Some of us are heading out to the Grand Canyon in the morning
for a little, uh, summer trip,
so, um, I won't be seeing you.
Have a good time. Congrats on graduating.
Yeah, well,
nine years well spent.
Hey.
Um, I forgot to ask you something.
Can you come back in just a minute?
I need to say...
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
I'm sorry for what might have happened to you
when you were younger.
The priest.
I don't know.
I'm just sorry.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Can... Can you just sit back down?
There's a lot you don't know about me.
I come out of this subculture
that believes in God
and Jesus, the whole deal.
I came here to escape it,
because I was ashamed of it.
Well, you've done a hell of a job. I'm very proud of you.
But it turns out that I'm not just ashamed
of my strange church
or its political views
or all the hypocrites.
I'm ashamed of Jesus.
Is this gonna get weird?
Yeah, probably.
But that's the point.
I-I'm ashamed of Jesus because I want you to like me.
I want you to think I'm smart
or sophisticated or whatever.
It's like Jesus is the geek in the cafeteria sitting by himself,
and I'm the guy pretending he's not my friend.
Miller, we're both tired.
You're The Pope now. Do with it what you want.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm talking to you as a person.
You and I both hate
those people who think they can do whatever they want
because God is on their side, right?
Well, I'm apologizing,
because I'm the same as they are.
All that stuff in the Bible
about feeding the poor,
I've never done any of that.
God tells us to love everybody.
I've hated people...
my family,
folks back home I don't agree with,
idiot pastors.
I... I hated 'em
because I thought they made me look like a fool.
I've spent the school year trying to ditch God.
But I can't.
It's like He's following me around.
I'm confessing to you
that I'm tired of being a hypocrite
and a coward.
I need you to forgive me.
Do you forgive me?
I wouldn't know what to forgive you for.
Do you forgive me for misrepresenting God?
He isn't like me.
He isn't... He isn't afraid,
and He isn't a coward, and He isn't a hypocrite,
and He isn't like that messed-up priest
who raped you when you were a kid.
I should have told you that a long time ago.
Will you forgive me?
Yeah.
I forgive you.
It's good, Miller,
what you're doing.
It's a start.
You know, if everybody out there in that line
gets the same treatment I did,
you are in for a long night.
Yeah, well, so much to apologize for.
Maybe I'll start with the Crusades...
Yeah.
Then work my way through to U.S. foreign policy.
Yeah.
You're gonna be here a while.
You really believe in all this stuff?
I think...
I do.
Then...
Dominus vobiscum.
My man.
Hey, guys, you are not gonna want to miss this.
Come on, come on. I'm sure that we got
a free space in line for you.
Hey, what's up?
Everybody in line, saints and sinners.
Hey, hey, there's a line, man.
I have something to confess.
- Your, uh... - Wait.
I'm going first.